Book fair's been postpones till monday so we are safe for now...
posted by ifeel too 9:49 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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what the hell does an angry adviser mean? 'xcuse me for not being objective but stupid annoucements like "an *apparent* suicide bomb"... HELLO? Appaerant? apparent my ass... what are they so scared of? to say something which will make us look good? Look world, they're killing us... and you know world? I think you think it's ok! nobody cares out there... it's just the mideast conflict... it's got nothing to do with lives and people... it's just a fucking bloody term... and xcuse my anger... and i'm not even an adviser... but when a person put bloody nails in his bomb, his intent is anything BUT apparent...
posted by ifeel too 2:32 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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it's 2:20 am.... i woke up cause it was hot and hubby said there was a suiscide bomber in tel aviv... i don't know if it was the fact that i'd just been fast asleep or something but it scared me to hell... and depressed me... 17 dead people... does this mean anything to anybody? i don't even know anybody who died... i'd slept like a log while the ambulances rushed by to the hospital near our home... and now what? i don't know... the tv stations are talking about the usual stuff... anlysis... what will the PM do... what can this help... i'm tired of this... hubby wants to go to the book fair tomorrow... and i'd be really honest... i'm too damn scared of this... nobody can stop a suicide bomber when one comes... nobody... and the fair is such an attarcative place...
posted by ifeel too 2:27 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Friday, June 01, 2001 i've really taken a liking to this webring cause it's about people, and unusually talented ones too... even though the criteria for acceptence is a bit... well, insulting imo... this - no banner ad thing - means that people have to either be lucky and have themselves a host that is free of ads which works... or pay for this... i assume that the person who built this ring wanted the sites to be... hmmm... damn... can't find the word, but basically this person wanted people to put the effort into the site... most likely be graphically talented and definitely html/java know-alls... sometimes i wish i had studied java and html seriously. as a hobby i'm starting to feel that i'm limited and i want to know more, but time-wise i have no chance of truly doing this. maybe i'd put in effort and money to study this for myself... but it does cost a bloody fortune... for something i want as a hobby, but in a way i feel like i need it spiritually... i need this outlet and if i don't know enough it's hard to fully express myself...
but on a good note, i'd figured out the table'n'slice thing... created slices with image ready and then transformed things to dreamweaver... i'll plan a new look for this site in photoshop, then i'll slice it in image readey, then add all the final touches in dreamweaver and then transform it to this template. i like the new challenge... i'm not gonna go manga like all the kiddies, but might try urban with photodraw at work... now i really would like to somehow get ulead photoimpect6... i just love graphic progs... and i know so little about each, yet together i'm a monster.

spoke with another friend this morning... i feel like she's drifting away, enjoying her new friends, but that can't be helped. i like calling her from time to time and food is our main common issue... she'd cut her hair died it orange..... am curious what she looks like but have no real time to meet up with her. this evening invited parents over for dinner... and i wanted to see her tomorrow but she's got a bday party for friend. I'm not invited, but i don't really belong so it's ok :-) she used to be an xf fan, until she lost interest big time, but we stayed in contact nevertheless, while she went through a rough time. she's a nice person, but sometimes too polish for her own good with various rules about unimportant things like you mustn't eat when talking to somebody on the phone... or her family is not allowed to mention taht she's in the toilet when I call and ask for her... so she's "unavailable"... which makes me laugh, cause i know this means toilet... quirky... so anyway, i'd realised i couldn't see her for the next two weeks... what a bummer, and she lives nearby, but i got to plan thinsg for the weekend trip to Rhodes from work, and this will take my afternoon time for the coming week, and the other time is course and yoga, and then weekend till monday we're away... then i get back and tuesday there's chat, Weds there's course, and thurs there's yoga... ugh...n so it's kind of insulting, but i have no time... and it's not my fault. i love having no time. if i have too much time i get miserable and lonely like on monday when i strated this blog to keep me out of misery...

so now i'd blogged enough for the whole day - need to go shower, and head of to mall for supermarket and just plain morning relaxation...
posted by ifeel too 9:51 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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oh yes... she asked me about the email she sent me, said i'd probably missed it... to which i told her that i didn't but that i didn't have time... wonder if that offended her...evil, eh? serve her right for all the emails i'd sent her which she ignored... how'd'she feel now with the table turned? and her very "deep" concern is that an image she'd made is not linked properly and people might not be able to see it... so like she'd done with my crisis, i'd said it's not that bad... to which she immediately responded aggresively: "of course it isn't! but..." yes, people don't realise how much it hurts until it's tossed back in their faces. it's important to you, but it's belittled by your friends... and thing is, it wasn't hard to say so... cause i truly couldn't care less if it were linked or not... and couldn't understand the extreme worry over it... so yes, i'm pissed sometimes that people link to me and it's incorrect, but i don't go telling them this... just appreciate that they'd tried... LOL... i'm an xf artists celeb... really... who am i, you ask... i'll leave this for you to guess... yes, i love to create xf art... i'd love more feedback than i get, but lately i'm sorta content even if i don't get it from the lists... i'm just... well, tired of the xf art overdose of other people. everybody is an xf collagist nowadays, and most seem to do the same art. originality is beyond them... i'd been doing it... hmmm... for 3 years now... started when there weren't too many of us... 'cept for famous erin so i'd built my reputation... now i'm like the beatles... i'm a recluse with a name... my live performance days are over... the feedback is just so mediocre at best, it doesn't seem real... it's all too american... hey are nice people, but do they mean it when they say: "stay safe" and never write to ask how you are... are you alive, are all that dear to you OK?... yes, i'm fine, but yes, this is not a safe place to live in... so "stay safes" loose their... meaning if nobody wonders if all's ok without you having to tell them that a bomb exploded in your parents home town... for the... 5th time...
posted by ifeel too 12:54 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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what's with all the opening java applets all over the web... gosh, xf sites seems very... well, simple and outadate when i see what's out there... and i thought Gertie was a genius... (which she is...)... most probably a lot of these extra ordinary sites are only good for IE anyway...

But anyway, it's late and i'd just gotten home from yoga and hubby's already asleep... yoga was so so today, cause officially this was the first lesson and the previous two were just... well, testing the water... but we did more things and i felt more refreshed after this. today he babbled too much for me... he talks too much any day, but today all the talk about life energy and so forth was just over the top... i am a very down to earth person... yoga's there to make me move a bit and relax me cause i'm a tense, uptight person anyway... we got instructions (i'd call it homework) to do things at home... which i might try if i won't be too lazy. pity hubby ain't doing it with me... wonder what he'd thought about it... interesting to note that we had more men that usual today which is a good thing IMO.

so said ignoring friend was there... and i was very anxious until she came, wondering what she'd say... if she'd ask if all's well... which she didn't, and i sort of expected it and didn't mind too much cause i wonder if i could have told her the truth... so we spoke about xf... i think she missed my input on the final ep... she asked why i hadn't written to the lists... told her i had no time (which is true) and that i didn't have the mood (which is also true)... not that she bothered to ask about my mood... but i guess i seem to currently look at this... well, cynically... maybe the yoga released all that anger i had all through the week. boy i'd been miserable... now i feel better... maybe cause we spoke, even if we didn't get to the real issue... the fact that she'd wondered why i hadn't been posting was something... no, i'm still not gonna call her, even if it will drive me nuts and will cause this blog to be as boring as a rant can be. i have to just accept things and that's it...

now i wonder what the yoga teacher meant when he said garlic and onion aren't good foods... hmmm... oh well, think i'd go to bed... maybe... night
posted by ifeel too 12:33 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Thursday, May 31, 2001 ok, i'd been seraching for a free. no ads page for this blog... i hate the FC ads... and they get worse from day to day, but so far nothing... all the good free ones seem to currently not accept new members... pure bad luck... it's also been a long day and i'm absolurely tired, and there's still yoga to go to... I also want to figure out once and for all how this chopped image in table thing works... i feel so dumb when i see what kids do today... i want to figure out how to slice an image... is that too hard to figure out?... man I fell so dumb...
posted by ifeel too 4:32 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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ok, so this is planely a rant... why can't men figure out the intricate mysteries of putting away dishes? yes, he washes'em which is far more than many men do, but he can never manage to put them in place cause it demands a certain brain activity that men lack..? I think they lack or maybe it's my man... guess what? if you put one container on top of another container and both their lids are on, well, it takes MORE space for GOD sake... is that too hard to figure out... why not take said lids OFF??? yes, he ain't a bad guy, but i hate the mess in the house and all i have for an excuse is that i'm just tired... dropped asleep on the sofa yesterday and he kept waking me up... don't get it... so what if I sleep on the sofa? it's comfy... i only wake him from the sofa when it's time to drag him to bed for real. let himself enjoy himself if he wants to... he will never let me sleep on the sofa... got ta wake me up cause it's not the right place... he's absurd sometimes... and well, my mood affects the house... well, not fair, I left for work at 8 AM yesterday and got home past 9PM cause i had the course post work... i had every reason to be tired... which i was cause the course which is usually relatively interesting was extremely boring yesterday... win2k security is just a whole bunch of accronyms... GOD help... there's just so much that my brain can take in... and I was very tired the day before too, even though i'd left early. i felt sort of off, sorta fluey with headache and throatache and it lasted for a few hours then went. get that on occasion... maybe a signal from body that immune system was slightly off, most probably cause room mate was FREEZING ME TO DEATH... got over the icky feeling... watched ER and the Greene sezuire LOL was good as expected but I wish they'd had given it a longer time... but I always like main characters suffering... gives me a thrill... LOL... torture orgasm... yeah right... sick woman you are...

And last note on hubbies... they are just big kids really and wives are just mommies, full time... I don't know why, but it's a fact... right now... shower and off...
posted by ifeel too 7:46 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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morning...
so i was too tired to do much after course... didn't even blog and now i'm wasting precious morning time on this. i'm feeling guilty for not taking part in any of my xf mailing list. it's a mood thing, and well, i'm too overwhelmed with email... with posts to lists, to cope and then i just shut down and not to a thing. i'd lost the joy of posting to the main art list after i'd complained about lack of feedback as a favour for other members who didn't have the guts to speak... then i saw some truly ugly sides of the list and it has never been teh same again. i just don't feel compelled any more and there's so many newbies, and i'm like this ancient old and wise. so i check a piece of art here and there... but the list is damn HUGE and well, i've seen enough xf art that not much excites me these days anyway... then there's the small list with people i love who seem to have too much time on their hands cause i can't cope with posts, and to be truly honest, sometimes they are so damn flat... nothing to really grab my attention, and i'm the type to look for interesting debate and so on... and the other ... supposedly art list is boring cause it was built for the sake of one ex-big-list member so she could basically inform us what's up with her and i don't have the time to give that list attention either, not to mention that i've long stopped reading fic cause i have no time...

and the two israeli lists, lately populated with posts by said ignoring friend and i'd rather stay low and let her wonder... she didn't call me in the evening, even though she's written a letter claiming to need my help - doesn't this make you wonder? maks me sad... i can just write to her that" "you know what I still own a phone..." or something like that... but well, bugger her... i'll see her in yoga today... most likely we'll talk as if all's ok... i'm not expecting much from a person who ain't daring to ask how you are for fear of having to deal with it... and it might, GOD forbid, bore her and set her off track from her busy schedule...

i'll live... not too happy but alive in some way... at least the Dean Koontz book is starting to get a grip over me which is good. i'd been longing to have a book i'd enjoy so much i wouldn't be able to put it down and i'd insist on reading before goin' to bed, even though i'm extra ordinarily pooped...

i'm just a very lonely person. my friends never call... and it does make me wonder...
posted by ifeel too 6:41 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Wednesday, May 30, 2001 Israel, may 2001... and yes people, we have another car bomb in netanya... called family to find out all are well. this is annoying at most... the irony is - i never get too scared. i call to find out but somehow deep down i know things are ok, ehy? i have no clue... some protection mechanism or something. last bomb did come a little too close to comfort, my mom was just about to go to the shopping mall which was a few meters from where she was... and then she heard the explosion... she knew what it was... we're just too used to it by now. we're all drilled... nobody gets too upset over a bomb... not for more than 5-10 mins, mentionings during dinner time, at a social gathering... even the radio stations don't play sad songs anymore, despite the fact that we have people shot or bombed on a daily basis, and i'm not kidding... it's a fucking bloody war out there... yet we live with it - work, shop, watch TV... talk with friends... nothing to it. it's just our way of life and we can't do it any other way or we'd be nuts... but for the people outside of this, it seems like we're always being bombed or shot or that we do this to the Pals... nobody will mention that between a shotting here and there people continued living normally... hell, no...
posted by ifeel too 4:31 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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this is mostly a test post...
and BTW, men ... well, 20+ men write such boring blogs.... sheesh....
posted by ifeel too 4:04 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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this is a blog i really enjoyed reading... I need to start keeping tabs on blogs, eh? for my own personal entertainment... if nothing else. i guess i'm looking for epopel who aren't kids to start with... kids' blogs are just.. well, childish. their worries just have nothing to do with mine so they're nice to watch but can't keep me busy for too long...

and on a side note, how many times can i explain to a user that i am *not* in charge of disk space in the company? Now that the bitch lost all her data, all the finance dept. is hysterical about this... not that my boss will give a fuck. he'd rather we leave him alone and that we'll manage without him... somehow. lately it seems he has no patience for us...

and yes, another side note, must *not* be offended by every little thing. thought i'd gotten over this... but if a friend says she can't talk to ya cause she's busy when otherwise she usually does talk, this is just a fact of life. the gal's busy, not avoidin' ya...

maybe coffee now... or tea?... dunno... wish we didn't have the course today. dying to get out of here early... want to go to the mall and buy a CD or a pair of pants or both... will probably be too dead by the time i get home...

and final note... did have some creative spree today after hadn't had for a while (yeah, like 2-3 days... a *LOT*)... *grin*
posted by ifeel too 3:57 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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you know you've lost your patience when...
yes, and right now i feel like i can beat people up or something. i have no patience for anything and i can't even put my finger on why... hormonal maybe? probabl there's some underlying current to this. i'm sure of it.

what else is ... i wonder if anybody's reading this... 'fraid if i'll put a counter and the only person coming in here is me... yes, i want it private... from people i know, but i'm longing to hear opinions of others out there re what i'm saying... does it matter to anybody? i'd been visisting blogs about the net now for a couple of days and seen that some blogs are real popular but these are sites where people do not stay annonymous like me... so it's easier to inform people... friends to come by... i want anything but my friends over there...

so now they are all going to eat at the same place but i don't like eating there and don't succumb to peer pressure... well, mostly not. i'm not in a good mood anyway, so i'm not really interested in their company... i'll live.

oh yes, i'm friendly today....
posted by ifeel too 12:28 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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you know what the crazy thing is? I'm dying to write a vicious letter... but what the bother... she'd think that i am taking all my problems out on her, and why do people always do this sort of thing when she never does. Yes, a friend wrote her an annoyed letter and she just wondered what she did to deserve this... i don't know exactly what the relationship was between them but basically i wondered out loud if she'd bothered to ask said friend what's wrong... but she said that she knew what's wrong... hell, it's *NOT* the same thing. a person wants to be wondered about - for real. yes... and she'd rather not ask and have to deal with it. it offends and she can't figure out why. I usually like to come talk things out with friends, but i know that this must be worked out by her, or not at all. there's no point in me trying to force it on her cause i know she'd just tell me that that's the type of person she is. she has to wonder why a friend who used to contact her quite a lot had chosen to not do this, even if said friend still misses most of her company...

And if she asks me what's wrong... or if something's wrong... do i reply? i guess it's an opening... but for a person who likes to know the truth... as she said it, she likes honesty... she certainly doesn't go out and ask straight forward... either she's daft and can't figure it out, or she'd rather not ask and have to deal with it, cause it's typical of her.

No i'm not dumping my problems on her. my job is fine, hubby's good. we have a bit of a sex problem but she's not the person i'd share this with anyway, so honestly she hasn't sufferred much from me.. in the form of ... *cough* mental abuse... my only crime was that i'd called her too often to enjoy a talk about this and that cause i had fun talking with her... until the subjects became a little too personal, and then she'd hurt me... saying i take things to heart... well fuck! all people take things to heart, and if it ain't so, they ain't human, IMO. Society just wants us people to not talk about it so that things will appear to be calm. i don't share everything... i know there's just so much humans can take, but a thing here and there should be taken in some resepect and not tossed back at my face like i'm abnormal or something... or people will start putting all overly sensitive people int mental homes and that's it.

so I felt used... nd extremely hurt and i made up my mind that despite most good sides in this friendship, it's making me too damn miserable to be worth it... and the hurting part is that she's not trying to figure out what's wrong...
posted by ifeel too 6:49 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Oh yes yes! the feeling of power... or maybe it's just plain disgust. yesterday, just as i finished my chat, said ignoring friend joined ICQ... and I wondered, would she 'beep' me? hell no... of course she might have thought it were my hubby on the comp, but still, so guess what i get this morning... and email... she's wondering about me... wha'd'ya know... thing is, she ain't living in some far away country, she living damn right here in my country... where the phones are a bit expensive but nothing that will kill ya... so what she says in her email... *SHE NEEDS MY HELP*... well DUH! that's amazing... she wondered about ME???? no way, she wondered about herself... well, guess what, today of all days i come in late. yes i do. and what's more, i'm not gonna reply, or call. she can do her dirty work on her own, or she can figure out that maybe she should think a little before giving people the feeling that they're shit.

OH yes... that felt a lot better. Good morning to me :-)
posted by ifeel too 6:33 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Tuesday, May 29, 2001 this is the first blog of a person i can actually relate to... although i haven't got such terrible illnesses 'cept for asthma which nearly killed me when i was 22... *grin*
I'm actually chatting right now... but sometimes i feel like i'm boring my chat mate, but she's overseas and we've had this routine for a few years now and we both like it. keeps us close.
ok... outa here...
posted by ifeel too 11:14 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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hard to be spontaneous when the blog takes forever to load, eh?
actually, I had to write cause I'm wondering... are people such as this for real? i'm still going through blogs and blogs... finding out that the majority of users are 13-15 year olds with amazing graphic talent, but who seem to conform to the norm of magna and anime design mostly. although it is nice when it's all new to you after you's pent a lot... well, most, of your net time visiting xf art stuff... and then you wonder why the 15 yr. olds in the xf art community are so talented? all 15 yr. olds are talented... 'specially the girls... and what's more - they have a languge i cannot understand when they share blogs i'm lost... ok, so i hadn't grown in an english speakin' country, but this is ridiculous... gosh, makes me feel ancient. kids are just departing into a techno world i think... leaving us adults behind... and i'm only 31, but it's already ancient... 16 years and you're obsolete... you do not understand the language... might as well give up... God, reminds me of "wild on the streats"... film that always gives me creeps... the final scene with the 14 year old wanting to rebel against the 19 year olds... it never changes so it seems... we all end up not understanding our kids in the end...

so why did I mention that page up top? cause the gal sounds so nice'n'sophisticated and dreamy and idealistic and it makes me wonder if this is just a facade she's keeping for her friends to see, or does she really feel this way? i'm gaurding my annonymity... well, trying to, so i can rant and bitch and speak dark and dirty and miserable and so on... while these other people reveal themselves and all's so nice'n'tidy and no grammer errors and life is loverly... oh well, am i just mad that some people enjoy life?... possibly...
posted by ifeel too 10:30 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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hmmm... 10 mins to ER... I'd been spoilt about this ep but I chose to. I just didn't know if Greene would live or die and it drove me nuts... drove my mom nuts too cause she called me and had me tell her if things were OK... we do care for our TV characters, eh?

My so-called XF friends are having this very important debate whether Mulder is the dad... suddenly i look at this, and it's something i really used to enjoy and it looks so pathetic to me... is this it? the end of my phile days? I haven't participated much in my other xf forums... I'm just not in the mood really. yes, i'd worked hard today, blogged a bit in between, but it's hardly the time i spent on that disk, and then i was just tired. i wondered if i've got some chronic depression, or is thi standard mood swings. you'd think you'd be over it come 20... dunno. I'd always been miserable socially. my one true best friend gradually lost it until it was impossible to stay friends. she gained back most of what she lost with the help of therapy and prozac, but she was never the same. she lost the depth... maybe she had to lose it cause she was just too deep... I never know when i'm truly happy. i'm constantly looking for the thing that'll do it for me... i know that a good friend would.. but this always comes with a price. paid it so many times... but i admit that the exhiliration of having a friend who cares about you is usually worth it, until it starts affecting you so bad, you go down the tube with your sick friend - you start to think you're out of your mind too.

i'd never considered therapy. mom forced me to go talk to shrinks when i was young and i lost my belief in these people. i don't think they really care. it's just a job... and i don't fel i can truly be free, so it's pointless. and there's this certain way of talking about things that makes you feel stupid, and well, i'm usually overly empathic and when i know there's nothing genuine in a person's voice then i'd rather that person not bother... bet my mom still worries about me... she can always tell when i'm down... sigh... scares me to think what i'd do when she'd be gone one day... i already fear for her when she just climbs a chair to get something outa the cupboard... i guess i live in fear for just about so many things...
posted by ifeel too 9:21 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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ok, got home after picking hubby from spot removal... felt sorta fluey at work, and feel ather tired right now... maybe will grab a nap or something. hubby will know results re spot in 3 weeks time which IMO is a lot... but speaking of a lot, it'll cost 6,300$ to recover that data frm that disk... teach people about backuping their material, eh?

So FC's FTP worked at home, and the snazzles are up so this is mostly a test post cause i'm too tired to blog much more...
posted by ifeel too 6:26 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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oh gosh, all I want is to blog blog blog... is that sick? am installing something viw remote control and for some unforeseen reason it's taking forever... just don't want to go up there. want to just sit here all the time, while feet freeze... I need a coffee... bad... actually I need suger... I fear i might dvelop diabetes at an early age. it runs in the family and I have a bad reaction to suger and sweet stuff when i eat it on my own... I think it's hypogalycimia... reactive, cause I get all the bad feelings after i eat sweet stuff and the sweet stuff does not alleviate the symptoms... I don't tell people this. I want attention badly, but don't like to sound like i want it - paradox? I've got something lumpy on my back, near the spinal cord... i hadn't gone to see a doctor bout it. haven't told hubby or friends or anybody... first time i'm even writing about it. i'm just to scared to find out i guess...
posted by ifeel too 3:50 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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OK, damn FC won't let me upload the images to snazz up this place. I'll send'em home and see if the prob is FC or my work connection which is crap... so we sent the disk to the autopsy... we had to consent to it, LOL... so funny how it's treated like a body and we're trying to get some answers from it... but then we were taught to treat the loss of a hard disk as death and to understand the suffering user... what can I say, understand? when she bitches about just about everything? and you know what? it's not that I dislike users. I do like'em, but some can wear you down if they try hard enough... post lunch I'm always a lazy pig... soon I'll get back on track... room mate's back and I chose this day of all days to come with sandals to work and I think my feet are turning blue... the guy can live in the north pole and still feel hot. Hadn't heard any news yet... with this country you don't listen to the news, the world turns over... we just get so used to it... it's bloody not funny. Oh well, it's dwindling down. probably i;d let out most of the steam while bored yesterday...
posted by ifeel too 2:57 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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oh well, hell broke over... well, i'm sorta looking at it as if from afar... the hard disk of a very important... person (bitch, if I may) had gone down the drain... the choking sounds it had been amitting were it's definite death of certificate... now they want to take it and do an autopsy for disks, only that that'll cost'em tons... and my boss seems bloody impatient with this whole issue... we couldn't afford to give her more space for backups and now it's gonna be on my head... but hey, what about CD writers and jaz drives, eh? Not that this'll matter to her, she'd probably bitch me to kingdom come... with all her "told you sos"... it's technology and it's not fallible people and excuses like people don't have time to perform complicated backups really don't work right now...

and this morning I saw the face of what is termed here "the beautiful israeli"... yes, that was the face of a guy who couldn't wait till cars moved through a red light and blocked his way, so he beeped and cursed and made obscene signs with his hands, and to finish it off he spat nicely at the face of the driver who's only crime was to stand at that exact spot at that very given moment... oh, what a delightful sight, eh? and the guy was driving a hightech company car, and i ask you now - no wonder hightech's down the drain... life's a bitch *grin*
posted by ifeel too 10:50 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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i'm blogid 3040302... yuck, i hate being a number...
anyway, just a few 'fore goin' to work where i'd probably snazz up this blog between hard disk failure crisis... I saw this and it says it all re how americans treat memorial day.. it appals me that they are looking forward to it... to the holiday, fun'n'games when people have died and are supposed to be remembered, really... at least that was one american reflecting, while i got xf friends overseas planning for an xf marathon... when it's not your soil, guess it don't matter, eh?
posted by ifeel too 8:04 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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post salad... am I telling you every little snippet? yes I am. until I tire of this I guess. I'm just real hungry right now. thinking I'd eat my salad now and not make people suffer at work with all that tuna & onion & egg... but my room mate's gone to the army and so i can eat freely in my room... odd, that he's real quiet and doesn't speak much but i admit i like the company, even if it's him and talkative ain't his second name...
I'd been thinking more of what I'd say to my friend if she'd come and accuse me of cutting down our relationship... irony is, you know what a silly thought i'm thinking? i watched the final XF ep not at her home... I got it from another friend and thus i didn't need her... and maybe she's insulted? the thing is i want to show her that i don't need her, even though honestly? i do... spoke with my bro's gf who is actually a phile i knew pre her knowing my bro... she agrees that i should stick to the silent treatment... and when i'm busy it's a synch really. i just don't have time and it makes me want to be even busier... but i can't completely get away. i see her while doing yoga and maybe that's enough for her, to see me once a week and talk for a few secs... dunno... certainly bothers me when she keeps telling me she's very busy and i wonder exactly with what? we both have houses to run and i got a far more busy job than she does... and what's left is that she's trying for a million years to finish some project for her web design course, and so she says she's busy with that... yeah right... how long does it take to build one tiny page, eh??? honestly, i betcha she hadn't noticed i'd simmered down the relationship. she's so enthrwled with herself, i doubt it matters to her... we had a gathering last week on friday at her place and i called to find out what to bring i think and then she goes: i'd just meant to call ya... or was it when i decided to force myself on her, be selfish and choose that at this very moment i go see that xf ep at her place... so first she makes me feel like i'm bothering her, then she says, but i wanted to take a break... thank you very much now, eh? and when i'm there she's real nice'n'all, but when i mentioned we got ourselves a new comp it doesn't interest her for more than a second... an then its back to what do i think bout her site... never bothering to ask more, wonder more about my day, my life, my new computer, my art... while i sit there asking and giving her a feeling that what she does is just as important to me as it is to her, and i like what she does... so why can i feel this way, while she enjoys setting boundaries to friendships? heaven forbid she's let people delve on their feelings and emotions and let her in... she does not go that far... she does not toss her problems on others as she said... well fuck you then.
posted by ifeel too 7:28 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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yawn.... my eyes are still extra sticky at the moment. I get up at 6 AM for work, but only leave at 8... gives me plenty of time to check the morning paper, check my mailing lists, check my email, make myself a salad, have a shower and just plain waste time so that I can sort of wake up... not a quick - 10 minute waker sotr of person... not at all.

Hubby's having a spot removed from his belly today... I think he's worried and ain't showin' it. He usually gets anxious about new things. We're such a match...

I've got like a million emails to get back to, and I keep planning to get back to people but never do, and I'm full of guilt./ that just ain't nice and it gets lamer by the second, and well, it starts with me not having the time which is fair, but then when I do I don't have the mood, the momentum has passed and so forth. It ain't these peoples faults or anything. There's this girl who mentioned me in her site and I'd meant to get back to her.... she thought I was a guy. Common error when you have a strange sounding Hebrew name and most the world is English speaking. people had a hard time pronouncing it last time I went to Australia... We want to go there, maybe january-february, and to new zealand too. I want to go to Western OZ, but my aunt said it won't be worth it... but I got a pen pal there and I'd never been there... damn... we'll see how we manage time wise. I still might do it. My aunt's a bit of a pessimist after all. I know it's not very practical, unless I'll see what W.oz has to offer aside from my pen pal. question is, will they let me take a month and a half off work. I have no clue... and then I'm thinking I'd like to get preggy right after that (not that these things ever happen exactly when you plan them, eh?)... oh well, I'm gonna talk about this with boss come september... see how he takes it... of course if it's out of the question I won't do it. but i do hope they'd let me...

I did it again, left the pot with egg & potato boiling and didn't watch it. lucky they added that distinctive smell to gas... I smelt it through the house and rushed like crazy to turn it off and open all the windows in the house, while praying i don't blow up all through it. bad enough we have problems in this crazy place with buildings collapsing amidst a wedding and suicide bombers... we really don't need silly ladies blowing a building up while forgetting to watch the gas.... god my heart's racing... I'll soon turn on the potato and egg but I'll sit in the living room and watch it...

well, 'nuff of this. there's ER tonight, waiting to see Dr. Greene get a seizure. That should be fun... yes, definite nut case, but I just love hosp. dramas :-)
posted by ifeel too 6:39 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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OK, just before beddy... hubby's naggin' me to come to bed. can't blame him... this obsession ain't healthy, eh?
So I've just seen another amazing young kid's blog - jolted scary... she's 14 and sounds like a business woman already... what's the world coming to. The design's great actually, am envious again, but I'm not gonna tire myself into design. I have my XF art site which is plenty of work as is... i want to get down to original art sometime... want a dig cam for that... will get it. It will come in handy. I need the release to create, to write.... and I definitely need to read more and exercise more. I'm gonna have to start going to the gym at work and move that fat out of my boddy. I'm doing Yoga already... i.e. clensing my soul and stretching my body once a week, listening to hymns and mantras by a weird teacher with a funny feminine voice... LOL... wonder about those yoga teachers... had one in uni. wore these tight tights and his balls stuck out... but had such a soft voice... oh gosh, but I'm finally doing something besides work and computers... maybe the next stage would be some crafty stuff... back to plastic arts... whatever they call it - although i really love computer graphics and the fact that they suit 'have-no-time-or-life' me... it's speedy and you can go with a quirk at almost any given moment...

Anyway, as usual, I'm hungry, and i know that probably I can babble through the night if given the chance but oughta go to bed... snuggle with hubby and so on. night then.
posted by ifeel too 12:50 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Ok, I'm adding the guestbook. alxnet are really neat as far as looks go, although their server's down a little too often for my liking - the simple, no ads featyres is what does the trick for me and many others I guess... photoshop's up, but my net connection's down... wonder if I can still send this blod once i connect. always a firsty... I'd copy it just in case...
OK, so this the big test. I'd added the gbook to the template... I wonder if people actually get around to seeing blogs of other people when there's just so many... and I wonder what makes other people read other blogs... i assume it's a very personal thing. I'm actually looking to see how people just let off steam like me I guess. It's interesting to note how most people don't keep thier privacy... I guess it's fun to have other read your feelings and know who you are, but i guess I need this annonimity real bad, although if people are smart enough, they'd figure out who i am, and then what? tell on me? yeah right... I can't say who i really am if i want to talk about real deep dark stuff... I do have a net reputation to keep up... I've given hints but I think they're not enough for people to really connect the dots if they're not trying and anyway, what are the statistical chances of the right person actually locating this tiny blog amidst so many other blogs that must look a lot more aesthetically pleasing.. I figure i can try harder in the design, but the whole point in this is the spontaniety that i have, and there's nothing spontaneous about starting to work on intricate design. I just want to write feelings. real ones I guess and maybe find somebody who's out there reading them... thinking to themselves that it's good to let go...
posted by ifeel too 12:31 AM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Monday, May 28, 2001 oh, you know what? this must be the new addiction - I'd been thinking all through the passing hours about blog entries... sick, eh? Is my life one big diary entry? yeah, right, but in essence, i do think a lot and run scenes and ideas in my mind... so now it's just plain written... I thik I'd put a guestbook - maybe somebody would like to comment - maybe a "me too" or, maybe somebody telling me to quit whining 9which i won't, cause this is where i can whine, and anyway, deep down inside most people do whine, and don't BS me about having to work things out on my own... feelings are there, and that's it...)

So I'd gone to my parents and I think it's been a while since all the kiddies came together with their SOs, and only kiddies, no friends of family which was nice, and also my aunt which I haven't seen for a while. It was a real family gathering, and i think my aunt was amazed to see how large the family had become, with all the SOs... when she said "what a big family", I suddenly realised how good this looks... and my parents must have been besides themselves... All the kiddies with SOs, two married, one on the way to marriage, and one pregnant - I know this makes them feel good.

Yes, I guess i do want to have a kid some day... I just have to do it and that's all. i just hope that we can cause our sex is not too good as I mentioned earlier. We don't have enough of it cause we're both too tired during the week, and I love... well, not love, but prefer it in the morning to start with, and so we go for weekend sex, and then hubby wakes up late and nothing comes out of it, or I've got my period, and when we do do it, he comes too soon, and it's hard to enter me... it annoys me to see how simple they make it seem on TV... it's such BS... many mencome too soon. I know... I think though that if I had a kid I would be content... I'm not gonna think about what are my reasons to have a kid. I think the original reasons are selfish forus all, but once the kid is there we cannot afford to be selfish any more. we have to give up on what we like to do cause the kid is running our schedule from now on... I know that scares me, but I figure that if i could get used to marriage life, and living with another person, and working and moving out, I can manage this too. All new things take time getting used to.

I think my preggy sis enjoys the attention... think she prides in being the first, even though she's younger than me - bu heck - should i race just to... save my skin? BS! You don't make a baby cause you want to be first for GOD sake... no no no. She is far more settled with her job. I just started a new one a bit over six months ago... I knew I couldn't do anything about it... I just hope I can when we do decide. I think we'd start doing something about it a year from now.. a bit less even.

Guess that does bother me a lot, eh?
posted by ifeel too 11:24 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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OK, post shower, just a min or two to go, and the shower is the place for so many thoughts... worse thing is that i think about this too much and then I know it's an obsession... Gosh, for a taurus I'm so not-level headed, it's frustrating.
I'd been running dialogues with my friend in my mind - imagining her asking me what's wrong - why i hadn't called her and me explaining that I'd felt slike I bothered her... i.e. that's the feeling she gave me whenever i called her and she just then needed to wash the dishes, hang the clothes, wash the floor, sweep the floor, have a shower, etc. etc. etc. Or how great it feels to send her pieces of my art and get NO response whatsoever, or when I do ask about it, she tells me that i just create too much... Why, thank you - that's exactly what i wanted to hear... and to hear her complaining that another friend never calls her unless she really needs her... UGH... OCH... so I wonder if she'd see the light and ask me what's wrong and I could tell her, but heck, I think she enjoys being on her own, unbugged and all... and why do i feel miserable... Do we just lose friends as we grow older, not having any more real new social circles to make them? will i one day be left all alone?...
posted by ifeel too 5:47 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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You know what? I'd been cooped up in an X-Files nursery or something - going about other blogs which I'm finding rather interesting makes you think... or realise people are just so different - not to say that X-Files fans are all alike, but reading other blogs, you do realise that out there there are so many extremely different people... I'm starting to feel that I'm losing my interest and admiration for the fans of this show... suddenly I want more out of these people, but honestly - what exactly do i want? what exactly are my interests aside from computers these days? have I become so narrow minded? I fear I have - when you read about the interests of people sometimes, you wonder why you can't be interested in other things too, and I think I'm mostly interested in people... odd, eh? Possibly so... Oh well, it's definitely shower time, I'm not doing the hair... no time... too lazy, etc.etc.etc.
posted by ifeel too 5:23 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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OK, I gotta reason to take myself a shower in ... well, some sort of few. Goin' to have pizzas at my parents for Shavoo'ot - another hebrew celebration. I wish I'd had better plans for today. really wish so, and wish the weather weren't so crappy i could go out maybe and do something a lot more useful with myself... I fel like i did when i was in highschool. Like everybody's having fun 'cept for me. And honestly, probably it's my fault. I spoke on the phone with three friends today, two of which called me, so really that's not a bad number, I have to wash my hair which I hate doing cause it's long and full of knots and takes time... i want to find out what goes on in that book i'm reading by Dean Koontz but it's taking me ages to get anywhere and honestly i think he'd stretched certain parts a bit too far to the point of repetition, but I'm still curious why this and that's happening - the book's called 'false memory"... Got a great cover - they make some great looking book covers these days, y'know?... well, I know... Do i want to be a graphic artist or do i want to jus be me? I'm stuck on X-Files collaging - I want out of this - I do... maybe i can put things here in this blogofalog :-) Hey, a first smile in this place and I don't even have to smile here. It ain't a mailing list or an email where you have to be all cheery faced and all that. thank goodness I can type relatively as fast as i think caudse I think quite a bloody lot.. Wish I thought less though... certainly fills up pages here. Probably just the initial excitement of having the space to let myself go. robably this will all simmer down after a while... very very optimistic, eh?
posted by ifeel too 4:39 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Yes yes yes, it's me again - can you tell I don't have a life? Sigh... today I feel like i don't... Considering that live in a crazy country (Israel) and that one might think that we're constantly busy ditching bullets here, I can tell you that today I'd been so bored, I'm bloody disgusted with myself. All day in T-shirt and panties cause I'm too lazy to do much about it. I think hubby wanted sex but he hadn't much to get me into bed today... yes, that little thing people never talk about - cause after all, we all have to love sex and do it perfectly like in the movies... HUH! I hate this - you know what? I hate sex - who said it's fun? and yet one needs a family... honestly don't even know what i want - one day i want a kid, the other I just want to be free, but look at me, all nice'n'bored and unhappy so if I had a kid, would this keep me busy... and happy? but isn't this sort of selfish? To have one to make me feel better about myself? Do people have babies cause they're thinking about the good of the baby of their own good? I think it's our own good - yes I do... we want babies because we think they'd bring us happy... we want kids so that we won't be lonely at our later age... and I think that some poeple have kids so they can show off.

So now my younger sister is having a kid and the whole world it seems wonders what about us... well, sometimes I wish it were just that easy. but sex hurts... it does, and i love my hubby and want him to feel good, but sex just seems too overrated to me...
posted by ifeel too 4:00 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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Can you tell I'm having fun? And anyway, I don't even know who I'm saying this to. I'll probably enjoy this at work from time to time, letting off steam at stupid users, or wondering why my boss can seem so... uninterested, or why do i always want attention...?

So why did I come back, cause I'm going through bloggers to see what people do, and damn some people are too damn talwented for their own good, makes me depressed... yeah yeah, I'm envious and it's really not a healthy thing, but I'm trying to be hinest here, so tell me if people aren't envious when people can outdo them at things they usually are good at? well, I'll tell you what, kids today - they're 15-16 and the net's their second language and well, it's ain't fair - I feel ancient! I wonder if could devote all my life to design - probably not. I need a little bit of this and that I guess... **hubby's on loud TV again**

So trail of thought thingy - this is athe blog of a 15 year old for GOD sake... this is it. Well bugger me? How do they get so good? I want too!
posted by ifeel too 3:32 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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So OK, the first real test went OK... hubby's watching sports so loud... drives me crazy sometimes, but TV's so dull today, and it's too damn hot to go out. just spoke o a friend who told me he'd had an accident and broke... I think it was part of his collar bone, and this sounded nasty. he drives a motor bike, and was hit by a silly lady who didn't check when she got out of her parking spot. Och, my mind trails when I write and strange things comes out of this.

maybe I should just acll that friend and enjoy myself and forget my pride, but the thing is, I know I'd just regret it afterwards... cause I'd feel that I'd lost to something I promised myself I won't do, and then we'd talk and when i'd get to things that interest me but don't interest her she'd ignore them, and I'm tired of that treatment. I'll go read a book, if I can get my hubby to turn down the DAMN TV volume for God sake, he thinks he deaf or something? really???
posted by ifeel too 2:58 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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OK, I think I'd mostly figured all of this out.
SWhy am I doing this? cause I'm lonely. yes, I have friends and a husband and all, but I still feel lonely, and in need of just spilling out my guts, even though nobody's listening really. So i put it in public and maybe somebody out there is sharing these same feelings. I don't know... Guess that the older you get you become more disappointed with this world and its people. Everybody worries about themselves... Maybe I'm no different, but I guess that's what makes me miserable. that i hope otherwise. Sometimes i think I just bore people. Those who'd read this would most probably agree. Neither of us seem to want to listen to the whining and miseries of others, and I guess that's why we all bottle it all up inside of us and feel ugly.

I'm 31, and I work and I create and yet i don't feel fullfilled at the moment. I think that what would make me most happy right now is a soul to talk to. My husband's a great companion, but I guess I need something else. he just doesn't get excited over things... Just isn't that type of person. I'd had girlfriends, some very good ones i guess... but things changed and time has passed, and now what?

I want to call a friend whom until recently i'd believed enjoyed my company, then I realised that as long as it suited her needs and her interests it was OK... and well, she never calls me, unless she needs help with her computer... yes, I work with computer support... well, how bout that, would you like my friend. So I'd decided I won't call her, but you know what? I feel miserable about this... yes... and I doubt that she does. She can be a loner and live fine with it, never giving a fucking damn how this afects her friends./.. she's not evil or anything... just self-centered I guess... and sometimes I find that she's deliberately self-centered, choosing how far she'd like to be a friend with a person... doesn't she know that hurts... and the irnoy of it is, that I'm dying to talk to her... I think I'm addicted. Can you be addicted to people? I think I am...
posted by ifeel too 2:20 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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ok... yes, I know this is boring, but hey, it's only me readin'...
posted by ifeel too 2:09 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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ok, this ain't workn... testin' again...
posted by ifeel too 2:02 PM      |x| comment or read comments |x|
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